Twenty Shots and a Beautiful Vixen
by skipper-of-otters
Summary: A parody of Redwall lemons. Details the first meeting of Nagru and Silvamord.


Author's note: This is a parody of Redwall lemons (AKA sex fics), so a lot of this is intentionally bad, in a good way. Depending on what you consider bad in a good way, of course.  
  
Warning: Coarse language and graphic sex.  
  
As the leader of one of the fastest growing hordes the northlands had ever seen, Urgan Nagru commanded the respect of northlanders everywhere. Despite this, he still had trouble getting some.  
  
The problem was, Nagru considered himself above the hundred or so gray rats he currently commanded, who would fuck anyone who was willing. It simply wouldn't do for a horde leader such as him to be satisfied with whatever vixen he happened upon. Unfortunately for Nagru, this being the northlands, finding a vixen of sufficient quality for his needs proved to be a significant challenge.  
  
To make matters worse, many of the rats were well aware that their leader was probably satisfying himself in other ways in the meantime, and that the long periods of time he sometimes spent in his tent were probably not the planning sessions he claimed they were.  
  
Nagru was finally forced to confess his horniness in order to get help. One day, he told one of his Captains, William (also known as Willy the Large) about his problems. Luckily for him, the grey rat had a suggestion for him. It was one of the last favours William would do for his commander before eating a well placed arrow from a resistance fighter who had only first picked up a bow hours earlier.  
  
"I suggest paying a visit to the Hornig, a fox tribe that's only a three day march from here."  
  
"I've searched through enough fox tribes, Captain. Besides, I'm not looking for an ordinary vixen."  
  
"Well, the Hornig are no ordinary fox tribe, sir. They are the lords of their realm, the other tribes there take orders from them. Furthermore, I recently found out that their chieftain is looking for a mate for his daughter, who is his heir - however, she's rejected all his candidates so far, usually with a heavy kick to the groin. If you could seduce her, though, you'd be set. Not only would you gain a beautiful vixen of significant status, but also the Hornig as allies. She'd probably play rough if you tried to seduce her, though."  
  
Nagru took gulp from a bottle of wine.  
  
"No vixen can stand up to the greatness that is Urgan Nagru. One look at my weapon of mass destruction will convince her I'm the right choice."  
  
"I hope so, sir. I'll be betting on it."  
  
"Uh, I'd prefer you not mention the reason for this trip to your subordinates."  
  
"Us rats aren't dumb, sir. They know enough about your sex life and lack thereof to know what you're looking for when you visit a fox tribe."  
  
Nagru sighed.  
  
"Fine. But don't make the mistake of betting against me!"  
  
"I'll be sure of it, sir. Uh, should I go get my troops ready to move out?"  
  
"Of course, Captain. Dismissed."  
  
Nagru watched William go, his mind going over what he had just gotten himself into. The fact his entire horde would be watching to see if he and the vixen hit off hadn't fully set in yet. If he messed this one up, he'd lose a significant amount of the respect he commanded from his horde, or at least be the horde's laughing stock for a few days.  
  
He could not fail in his mission. He'd have to do everything in his power to convince this vixen William had talked about to have sex with him.  
  
**********************************  
  
Three days later, Nagru's horde arrived at the Hornig fox tribe's camp. Before arriving, Nagru had made sure to hide his wolf skull and claws - after all, he didn't want to appear too outlandish. However, he kept his wolfpelt cloak on, which naturally didn't go over too well with the guards. Eventually, Nagru was forced to bribe the guards with whiskey in order to gain a meeting with the tribe's chieftain.  
  
***********************************  
One of the guards led Nagru to a table inside a local tavern. While the tavern reeked of alcohol, the smell of urine was distinctly absent.  
  
Obviously an upper class establishment, Nagru thought.  
  
In contrast to the reception Nagru had received from the guards, the greying fox sitting at the table didn't take offence at Nagru's appearance at all. In fact, the chieftain was quite interested in what Nagru had to say.  
  
"Don't get many visitors round these parts anymore. Creatures must think us foxes are going to rob them or something! We're always looking for new partners in crime, though, and you look like the type who has some experience in that area. Tell me, son, what brings you to these parts?"  
  
"The pursuit of wealth and happiness." Nagru specifically omitted all references to seducing the chief's daughter, which probably would have put him under tight supervision and made his work much more difficult.  
  
"Ah. I thought you might be one of those fools who wants to try to inherit my title. Damn idiots think they just have to court my daughter and they'll be set for life. Never head my warnings about her temper. Poor bastards deserve what they get for not listening to their elder!"  
  
"What's so dangerous about your daughter?"  
  
The greying fox turned and searched for a second, then pointed at a silver and greyish white vixen.  
  
"See the vixen in the skirt of tails walking between the tables, there?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"That's my daughter, Silvamord. See the young male with the flowers sitting a couple tables away from her?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Observe."  
  
The young male fox approached the vixen, then presented her with the flowers. Nagru strained to hear what he said. The vixen's response, however, was much clearer.  
  
The vixen stared at the fox as she took the flowers, then suddenly ripped some of the petals off with her teeth, spit them at her would be lover, and whipped him across the face with the stems.  
  
"I'm no country bumpkin, you bastard! You treat me like all the other fools!" She punctuated her point with a swift knee to the balls, then dumped a mug of ale on the dumbfound young fox's head. She let the mug drop to the floor and shatter for good measure, then stomped off to a well hidden corner of the tavern in a huff.  
  
The crowd around the young male fox cheered loudly.  
  
"Nice try, Blazetail! Bartender! A drink for this brave young fox! You know, to numb the pain!"

The tavern erupted into raucous laughter.  
  
The chief turned to Nagru.  
  
"You're welcome to give her a try, son, but don't come crying to me if she decides she doesn't appreciate your advances."  
  
Nagru watched the young vixen go. Her dress explained why her father hadn't been shocked about the wolf pelt. He quickly decided that with that skirt she would fit nicely into his macho image of avant garde barbarity.  
  
"In fact, I think I will give her a shot."  
  
"Well, I'm not going to stop ya. Uh, good luck with that!" The chief failed to pick up on what Nagru meant by "shot".  
  
***************************************  
  
Nagru followed the vixen to a table hidden from most of the rest of the tavern, then sat down. He grinned at the vixen and rested his footpaws on the table.  
  
"Well, that was a right old lesson you gave that would be suitor there, signorina!"  
  
The vixen sneered.  
  
"Every young male I've ever met tries to treat me like some delicate romantic. Like I've got no ambition for power and no ruthlessness to back it up with. Well, they're wrong. When I take over my father's tribe, I'll make my people so wealthy that what we have now will look like scavenger's possessions by comparison." The vixen made a rather loud and impolite hiss.  
  
"I'm sure you will." Nagru picked up her glass from the table and drank deeply. He made a face.  
  
"Wine? What's a vixen like you doing with such a weak drink?"  
  
The vixen leaned forward, rested her head on a paw, and huffed.  
  
"My old fart of a father thinks I can't handle some real drinks. I've had plenty of wine before and I've never gotten drunk, I don't see what he's so worried about."  
  
Nagru smiled and stood up. Time to put his plan in action.  
  
"If you'll excuse me for a moment..."  
  
He ran to the bar. He though about the vixen as he ran. Sure she was a little bit bitchy, but seeing her up close he realized that she had an amazing body.  
  
"Bartender! Two sets of twenty shotglasses, one set with whiskey and the other with anything weaker that looks similar! Keep the two types of drink separate!"  
  
The bartender complied with the strange request, and Nagru went back to Silvamord's table. He set the tray up with the weaker drinks on his side. It was time to see if his plan was going to pay off.  
  
"You sound like you can handle your alcohol." He said, smiling. "Ever played twenty shots?"  
  
**************************************  
  
After a few rounds of shots, Nagru was feeling comfortably drunk. Silvamord, on the otherpaw, hadn't handled the much stronger whiskey so well.  
  
"So I've just taken over this otter camp, and I'm looking for something to teach those bastard ruddertails a lesson. You know what I did?"  
  
The vixen almost downed her next shotglass too fast. Sighing contentedly, she replied.  
  
"No, what?"  
  
"I poured their hotroot pepper stocks on their wounds! Now that's what I call wise use of all resources!"  
  
The vixen laughed, shooting a few drops of whiskey out her nose in the process. As she continued laughing, she slide off her chair but caught the table with her left paw as she fell. She picked up another shotglass and tried to down it, but only a few drops landed in her mouth. The rest splashed over her beautiful silver muzzle.  
  
Nagru helped her up.  
  
"Getting late. Need help getting back to your room?"  
  
She shrugged him off.  
  
"I'm fine, thank you, I can walk on my -"  
  
She cut off as she tripped on a small stair in the tavern's floor. She laughed as she tried to get up, then stumbled.  
  
"What's going on here?" The chief walked towards Nagru, eyes alternating between the two foxes.  
  
"Oh, you're daughter's just feeling a little tipsy, that's all. Ain't that right?"  
  
The vixen giggled.  
  
"What do you mean? I'm feeling light as a bird!"  
  
Nagru gestured towards the vixen.  
  
"See what I mean, sir? You'd better let me escort her to her room, just in case."  
  
The chief looked around.  
  
"I'll have one of my foxes do it."  
  
"No, I insist, sir. It's all I can do considering the hospitality you've shown me and my rats.  
  
The chief nodded.  
  
"Alright then."  
  
The old fox watched them go, Silvamord staggering as she went. He'd have to make sure to check on them later.  
  
**************************************  
  
Nagru escorted Silvamord to her room, then hid in a corner as the drunk vixen stripped off and got into bed. Only when she blew out her candle did he make his move.  
  
He waited until the vixen sighed contentedly before making his move. Stripping out of his wolf pelt, he climbed into her bed and rubbed up against her silky fur and amazingly hot body.  
  
"Silvamord?"  
  
"Nagru? Should have known I'd be having a big handsome fox like you in my dreams tonight."  
  
Nagru blushed at the compliment as he rolled on top of her. Silvamord made a noise that sounded like a contented purr, and she started running her paws along his huge muscular body. Nagru did the same with her curves, feeling his tool start to grow. Suddenly her paws grabbed his head and pulled him in for a kiss, his tongue entering her mouth in an instant. Nagru's enourmous tool grew even larger. Things were about to get steamy.  
  
He kept the kiss going until the vixen started making muffled yelps. He pulled his tongue out, and she panted, trying to catch her breath. Then, she started feeling him again, until her paws made contact with his huge tool. Nagru knew it was now or never.  
  
"Want to grind genitals?"  
  
He took her moan as a resounding yes. She initially yelped as he inserted his weapon of mass deflowering into her wetness, then she settled down into a series of contented moans, and pressed her legs against her lover. Her brush flickered madly. At the feeling of this massively intense, warm, wet pleasure, Nagru's testosterone kicked in, and he started thrusting faster and faster, trying to satisfy their limitless urges. The vixen's moans got louder and louder. Nagru felt warm liquid started to build up in his tool, and he let out a roar. He was about to go rapid fire when he heard someone unlocking the door.  
  
Unfortunately for Nagru and Silvamord, the Chief had heard his daughter's moaning as he walked passed, and while he normally wouldn't invade her privacy, he felt obligated to check on her. The door swung open just before Nagru reached blissful climax.  
  
The big fox grinned mischievously at the chief.  
  
"Uh sorry sir..." Nagru dropped his voice to a whisper and spoke in Silvamord's ear. "I have to be going, dear. Meet me at Saber Point in four days if you want to continue this relationship. Goodbye."  
  
With some effort, Nagru withdrew his massive tool from her warm wetness, grabbed his wolfpelt, opened a window and dove out. He could her the drunken vixen moaning behind him.  
  
"Nagru? You haven't fully satisfied me yet! Come back her and bring me to climax you big handsome brute!"  
  
**************************************  
  
Nagru sprinted across the lawns, holding the wolfpelt in front of his tool. He headed straight for where his rats were camped, basically streaking the entire Hornig camp in the process.  
  
"Captain William!"  
  
Despite the fact William was half asleep, the rat's head shot up.  
  
"What's the problem, sir?!"  
  
"We've got to get out of here. Get everyone packed up and meet me at Saber Point as soon as possible. Cover your tracks!"  
  
"Of course, sir, but why?" He looked at Nagru. "Uh, why are you naked?"  
  
"The same reason we're getting out of here."  
  
"Ah. Did you get it on with the chief's daughter?"  
  
"Yep, and the chief is pissed about it. Now move!"  
  
************************************  
  
It was another four days before Nagru and Silvamord saw each other again.  
  
Nagru smiled as he saw the vixen approach, followed by two of his rats.  
  
"Come to see your old lover, signorina?"  
  
The vixen quivered with anger.  
  
"You freaking bastard! You have no idea what a lecture my father gave me after you left. This is your fault, you turd!" The vixen's foot missed Nagru's groin by inches, hitting his thigh as the big fox leapt back.  
  
"You didn't have to come all this way just to say you never want to see me again..."  
  
"I do want to see you again, you bastard. I'm going to make every day of your life from now on miserable. Yeah, that's right, I'm coming with you, you son of a bitch! You're stuck with me, you hear me! You're stuck with me!" She kicked him in the shins.  
  
Nagru grinned at her cheekily. The vixen finished blowing off her steam, but remained shaking. Suddenly, she looked up at him, and something had changed in her eyes.  
  
She dove at him. He slipped and fell to the ground. Seconds later, he felt her tongue in her mouth.  
  
Captain William and the rest of the rats cheered.  
  
"Looks like our commander's got a vixen now, boys."  
  
"Good show, Nagru!"  
  
"Give it to her good, sir!"  
  
Williams waved his rats away.  
  
"Let our commander enjoy his reward in peace, you freaking voyeurs!"  
  
As his rats dispersed into the bushes, Williams bent over the prone foxes.  
  
"Nice catch, sir, nice catch, yes!"  
  
Silvamord kicked him in the shin. Nagru would have told his Captain to go somewhere else, but Silvamord's tongue was too far down his throat.  
  
So Williams ran off and the two foxes continued their lovemaking, which resulted in the steamiest, hottest sex seen in the northlands, Mossflower, Southsward, Terremort, Sampetra, or any other place in the world.  
  
The end.


End file.
